New Autistic: Mental Health & Self-Help

Weaponized Confusion: When "Not Getting It" Serves a Purpose

Skylar Aries — Thu, 29 May 2025 01:25:49 GMT

Willful ignorance. Weaponized confusion. Strategic misunderstanding. Whatever you want to call it, the fact of the matter is that you can’t explain something to someone who is committed to misunderstanding you. It’s a simple truth, but one that often gets lost in the exhausting effort to clarify, rephrase, and defend ourselves.

Strategic misunderstanding happens when someone pretends not to grasp what you're saying because it benefits them not to. It’s a subtle form of manipulation that keeps conversations stuck, reinforces power imbalances, and protects fragile egos or entrenched biases.

In order to explore this topic more deeply, we need to understand why people intentionally misunderstand us in the first place. There are a number of reasons why it happens, and recognizing these techniques is key to being able to address them when you encounter them in your daily life. This article will cover some of the reasons that people might engage in intentional misunderstanding and discusses how you might respond when you encounter these tactics.

Emotional or Psychological Motives for Intentional Misunderstanding

Not all misunderstanding stems from a lack of information or clarity. Sometimes, it's rooted in emotion and self-preservation. When someone is committed to misunderstanding you, their reasons often go beyond confusion. They may feel threatened, embarrassed, or uncomfortable, and rather than face those emotions, they retreat behind a façade of “not getting it.” While these responses aren’t always conscious or malicious, they are strategic in their own way.

Ego Protection

Accepting your point may require someone admitting they were wrong, uninformed, or insensitive. Many people would rather be intentionally obtuse rather than admit they were in the wrong.

➜ Example: You calmly point out that a coworker’s comment in a meeting came off as dismissive. Instead of reflecting on it, they respond with, “I don’t even know what you’re talking about. I was just joking anyway, so how could that possibly be dismissive?”

This response avoids admitting fault and shifts the burden back to you, making you seem overly sensitive or confused instead of admitting that they were, in fact, being insensitive.

↠ Response Example: “I understand that you meant it as a joke, but the impact still felt dismissive to me. I’m not questioning your intent; I’m just letting you know how it came across. If we can both be open to feedback, it helps everyone feel more respected."

This response addresses your coworker's defensive reaction by acknowledging their stated intent while maintaining focus on the actual impact. It keeps the conversation centered on your experience rather than getting derailed into arguments about whether they "meant it that way." By avoiding escalation and reinforcing your boundary, you create space for mutual respect while refusing to let their ego protection derail the original concern.

Avoiding Cognitive Dissonance

Cognitive dissonance is when your brain feels uncomfortable because you're holding two conflicting ideas at the same time, or when your actions don't match your beliefs. In this way, your perspective may challenge someone’s deeply held beliefs or values that they’re not ready to examine in themselves. In order to avoid confronting the cognitive dissonance, they might pretend to not understand what you’re saying.

➜ Example: You explain to a family member that some commonly accepted parenting techniques are actually harmful to children. Rather than engage with the idea, they say, “That doesn’t make any sense. We all turned out fine, so I don’t see the problem.”

They're not engaging with the topic presented; they’re avoiding the internal discomfort of rethinking how they raised their own kids.

↠ Response Example: "I get that this might be hard to hear because it challenges a lot of what we were taught to believe. I’m not saying everything was wrong or done with bad intentions. I’m just saying we now understand things differently, and it’s worth thinking about how we can do better going forward."

This response recognizes the emotional difficulty of confronting long-held beliefs without retreating from your original point. By emphasizing learning and growth rather than blame, you reduce their defensiveness and reframe the conversation as moving forward together rather than relitigating the past. The approach acknowledges their discomfort while gently leaving space for self-reflection, even if they're not prepared to engage with it immediately.

Feeling Superior

Misunderstanding you can be a way to paint you as irrational, emotional, "being too sensitive," or "not making sense." When someone deliberately misinterprets your clear communication, they can then point to their confusion as evidence that you're the one with the problem, or that you're overreacting, being unclear, or simply difficult to work with. This flips the script entirely, transforming their refusal to engage honestly into your apparent inability to communicate effectively.

➜ Example: You bring up how a particular social dynamic excludes certain people. Someone replies with, “You always read too much into things. No one else has a problem with it!”

This paints you as overly analytical or dramatic, allowing them to feel more grounded or “normal” by comparison.

↠ Response Example: "I know this might not seem like a big deal to you, but it has a real impact on people like me. Just because others haven’t said anything doesn’t mean it’s not a problem; it might just mean they don’t feel safe speaking up. I’m sharing this because it matters—not because I’m trying to make a fuss."

This response validates your own perspective without becoming defensive or escalating the conflict. It addresses a key blind spot: silence from others doesn't necessarily indicate agreement or absence of a problem, but may reflect people's reluctance to speak up in difficult situations. By redirecting attention from your supposed "oversensitivity" back to the substantive issue, you demonstrate emotional clarity and maintain your dignity while countering their attempt to frame you as irrational.

Controlling the Narrative

If someone controls how your words are interpreted, they control the conversation. They may intentionally misinterpret your clear message in order to push the narrative that suits them best.

➜ Example: You say, “I feel ignored when you talk over me,” and the other person responds with, “So now you're calling me abusive? That's ridiculous!”

By exaggerating and/or twisting your words, they frame the conversation around your supposed irrationality instead of the real issue: your boundaries being crossed.

↠ Response Example: "That’s not what I said. I’m not calling you abusive. I’m telling you how it feels when I’m spoken over. I want to have a respectful conversation, and that starts with both of us being willing to listen to each other without jumping to extremes."

This response brings the conversation back to your actual words rather than their distorted version. It calmly dismisses their false accusation without becoming defensive or retaliating in kind. By establishing a clear boundary around respectful dialogue, you signal that manipulative tactics won't derail the discussion. The response also demonstrates the exact type of communication you're requesting—direct, clear, and measured—showing them what constructive engagement looks like rather than just demanding it.

Social or Relational Motives for Intentional Misunderstanding

In both personal and professional contexts, people may claim confusion not out of a lack of comprehension, but as a way to maintain control, sidestep accountability, or manipulate how they are perceived by others. These moments—often dismissed as harmless miscommunications—can instead reveal deeper patterns of avoidance and power maintenance that derail meaningful dialogue and erode trust.

Maintaining Power

Especially in hierarchical relationships, “not understanding” can subtly reinforce control, and pretending to be confused can quickly derail a conversation and put the other person on the defensive. When someone keeps asking for explanations of things that have already been made clear, it drains your energy and keeps the discussion stuck in place instead of moving forward.

➜ Example: In a workplace setting, you raise a valid concern about an unfair policy. Your manager responds with, “I’m not sure what you mean by ‘unfair.’ Can you explain it again in simpler terms?”

This feigned confusion reinforces their authority by putting you in a position where you have to justify yourself repeatedly while they maintain control over the conversation.

↠ Response Example: "I’m happy to clarify if something is genuinely unclear, but I’ve already explained the concern and would like us to focus on finding a solution now. The issue isn’t about the wording; it’s about how the policy affects people."

This response acknowledges the possibility of genuine confusion without allowing it to hijack the entire conversation. It reinforces that your original point was clear and pushes back against the need for endless justification. By shifting focus from explanation to action, you break the cycle of energy-draining clarification requests and move toward productive problem-solving. The approach also respectfully challenges the underlying power dynamic by maintaining your ground and refusing to let the conversation stall indefinitely on supposed misunderstandings.

Avoiding Accountability

Strategic misunderstanding provides an elegant escape route from responsibility. When confronted with the impact of their actions, someone can claim they "had no idea" or "didn't realize" the effect they were having. This feigned ignorance allows them to maintain their self-image as a good person while avoiding the discomfort of acknowledging harm caused—or the work required to address it.

➜ Example: You confront a roommate about never doing their share of the chores. They say, “Wait, I didn’t know we were supposed to take turns! I thought it was just whoever noticed something first.”

Notice how the roommate sidesteps responsibility by pretending the expectations were unclear, even though they were previously discussed.

↠ Response Example: "We’ve talked about this before, so I know the expectations were clear. I’m not trying to assign blame. I just need us both to follow through on what we agreed so the responsibility feels shared."

This response directly addresses the pattern of feigned ignorance without escalating into confrontation. It clearly establishes that the expectations were previously communicated, which undermines their claim of confusion. By framing the issue around shared responsibility rather than personal failings, you maintain a cooperative tone that makes it difficult for them to continue using the "I didn't know" defense. The approach focuses on moving forward with agreed-upon arrangements rather than getting stuck relitigating what was already established.

Gaining Social Leverage

Someone may twist your words to rally others against you, or to position themselves as the more "reasonable" one. They may take a snippet of what you said out of context, intentionally misunderstanding your true meaning in order to paint you as the problem.

➜ Example: You privately express discomfort to someone about how they joke about race. Later, you hear they told others, “I can’t even joke around anymore because [your name] accused me of being racist!”

They misrepresent your concern to paint themselves as the victim and you as hypersensitive, reinforcing their image as the "reasonable one."

↠ Response Example: "That’s not what I said, and it’s not fair to misrepresent a private conversation. I brought up something that made me uncomfortable because I trusted we could talk about it honestly. Turning that into a public complaint changes the context and puts words in my mouth."

This response directly confronts the misrepresentation without resorting to name-calling or escalation. It highlights the breach of trust involved in distorting a private conversation and calls attention to how context was deliberately altered. By refocusing on your original concern rather than their attempt to reframe you as the problem, you reclaim control of the narrative. The approach demonstrates awareness of their manipulative tactic while maintaining your dignity and avoiding the drama they're trying to create.

Preserving Comfort

Your message might introduce discomfort or conflict someone doesn’t want to engage with, and they might choose to preserve their own comfort over addressing your concerns.

➜ Example: At your birthday dinner, you mention that certain traditions (like blowing out birthday candles or having everyone sing “Happy Birthday”) can be overwhelming to some people, including yourself. Your mother says, “You need to get over it and stop complaining.”

Here, your mother chooses her own comfort over addressing the substance of your point, effectively shutting it down. Rather than engaging with your actual communication about sensory overwhelm, she reframes it as complaining, allowing her to avoid confronting the possibility that some family traditions might need adjustment.

↠ Response Example: "I’m not trying to ruin anything; I’m just sharing how certain things affect me. It might seem small to you, but it makes a big difference for me. I’m asking for a bit of understanding."

This response brings the focus back to your experience without making it sound like a demand or ultimatum. It acknowledges that what feels small to her has real impact on you, while clarifying that your intention isn't to complain but to advocate for your needs. By gently inviting empathy rather than demanding it, you create space for understanding without escalating the conflict or forcing her into a defensive position.

Preserving Plausible Deniability

Perhaps most cynically, strategic misunderstanding allows people to maintain their reputation as well-intentioned while continuing behaviors that serve their interests at others' expense. They can point to their confusion as evidence of their good faith engagement, even as their actions consistently work against the needs and rights of others. This creates a protective narrative where they're not the villain of the story; they're simply someone who just "doesn't quite get it," despite their best efforts (hold the eye rolls, please).

➜ Example: You explain to a colleague that consistently scheduling meetings during lunch breaks makes it harder for people with certain schedules to participate. They respond with, “Oh, I didn’t realize that was such a big deal. I just thought lunchtime was convenient for everyone.” However, they continue scheduling meetings during lunch over and over again. When confronted later, they say, “I didn’t mean to cause any problems…I’m just trying to make things work for the team!”

This pattern lets them maintain the appearance of being reasonable and unaware, while still prioritizing their own convenience at others' expense. Their repeated “confusion” becomes a shield against accountability.

↠ Response Example: "I understand if you didn’t realize the first time, but I’ve mentioned this more than once now. At this point, it’s less about misunderstanding and more about whether the concern is being taken seriously. I’m asking that we find a time that works better for everyone moving forward."

This response acknowledges that initial confusion might have been genuine without excusing the continued pattern of behavior. It draws a clear distinction between misunderstanding and disregard, naming the pattern without getting bogged down in debates about intent. By shifting focus toward finding solutions that work for everyone, you move past their deflection tactics while maintaining a calm but firm tone that reinforces your boundary and makes it harder for them to continue using confusion as a shield.

Conflict Avoidance or Deflection Motives for Intentional Misunderstanding

When conversations edge into discomfort or challenge the status quo, some people deploy strategic confusion not to engage, but to avoid. Feigned misunderstanding can function as a tool to delay, derail, or entirely shut down difficult discussions. Whether by claiming they don’t understand, shifting focus to someone’s tone, or asking to “talk later,” these tactics create barriers to resolution and understanding. Rather than promoting clarity or connection, they serve to deflect accountability and preserve emotional comfort—often at the cost of progress and mutual respect.

Derailing or Delaying a Difficult Conversation

Intentional misunderstanding can be a stalling tactic in order to either derail or delay difficult conversations.

➜ Example: You try to talk to a partner about how certain behaviors are hurtful. They respond, “I don’t really get what you’re trying to say. Can we talk about it another time?”

Even if “another time” never comes, the delay tactic gives them an escape route from the discomfort of confrontation.

↠ Response Example: "I understand this might be uncomfortable to talk about, but it’s important to me, and I’d really appreciate if we could address it now rather than putting it off again. Avoiding it doesn’t make the issue go away; it just makes it harder to work through."

This response acknowledges the discomfort of difficult conversations while emphasizing their importance and urgency. It gently calls out the pattern of delay without sounding accusatory, and keeps the focus on actually resolving the issue rather than allowing it to be continuously postponed. By setting a firm but respectful boundary around avoidance, you address a common dynamic in relationships where important conversations get indefinitely sidestepped, making it clear that postponement isn't a solution.

Shutting Down the Topic Entirely

Sometimes, “I don’t get what you’re saying” is a wall instead of a door. If someone pretends not to comprehend the point you’re trying to make, it can be almost impossible to engage with them about the topic.

➜ Example: You say, “I feel dismissed when my ideas are ignored in meetings,” and a coworker replies with, “Honestly, I don’t understand what you’re talking about at all.”

By feigning complete confusion, they effectively cut off the conversation. There’s nowhere to go from “I don’t get it,” no matter how clear you were.

↠ Response Example: "It sounds like you're having trouble understanding, but I’ve tried to be as clear as I can. If you're genuinely open to hearing me, I’m willing to explain once more—but only if it’s coming from a place of wanting to understand and not just to shut the conversation down."

This response offers your coworker an opportunity to genuinely re-engage while making it clear that their shutdown tactic hasn't gone unnoticed—that is, you're willing to make one more attempt at explanation, but only if they're approaching it with authentic intent to understand rather than simply trying to end the conversation. By establishing a boundary around your time and energy, you avoid the trap of endless repetition while shifting the responsibility for meaningful engagement back to them. The tone remains assertive but respectful, which helps prevent defensiveness while directly addressing the problematic dynamic.

Redirecting Focus

In order to avoid deflect or avoid potential conflict, someone may steer the discussion toward your “tone,” “word choice,” or “attitude” in order to avoid the actual meaning of your words. In fact, you often didn’t use any harsh tone, words, or have an attitude—and yet they still accuse you of being rude. It’s absolutely exhausting!

➜ Example: You calmly bring up a recurring issue in your friendship. Instead of addressing it, your friend says, “Wow, you’re being really aggressive right now. I don’t like your tone.”

Now, the focus is on your delivery rather than your message, derailing the discussion and putting you on the defensive. You find yourself having to defend yourself instead of being able to address the substance of your message.

↠ Response Example: "I hear that my tone didn’t land well for you, and I’m open to talking about that—but I also want to make sure we don’t lose sight of the issue I brought up. Can we focus on that first, and then circle back to how it was communicated if we need to?"

This response acknowledges their reaction to your tone without allowing it to completely derail the original conversation. It effectively brings the focus back to the substantive issue while setting a respectful boundary that tone concerns can be addressed separately rather than used to avoid the main topic entirely. By preventing the shift from meaningful discussion to self-defense, you create space for more productive dialogue that actually addresses what you originally brought up rather than getting stuck defending how you said it.

Spoiler Alert: They’re Not Really Confused (and That’s the Problem)

Not every misunderstanding comes from a lack of communication skills or genuine confusion. Sometimes, it’s strategic—used to deflect accountability, preserve comfort, or maintain control. Recognizing when someone is committed to misunderstanding you is not about assuming bad intentions in every interaction, but rather about noticing patterns: are there constant and repeated deflections, feigned confusion, and conversations that never seem to go anywhere (no matter how clearly or calmly you speak)?

Once you see the patterns, you can stop over-explaining yourself, quit questioning your clarity, and start protecting your energy. You don’t owe unlimited explanations to someone who’s unwilling to engage in good faith. Understanding is a two-way street, and some people refuse to even walk to the curb. Knowing this doesn’t make it easier, but it does help you navigate interactions more wisely, choose your battles more deliberately, and redirect your efforts toward people who are actually listening.

Thanks for Reading!

Thanks for taking time out of your busy day to spend some time with me! I encourage all of my readers to RISE (Reflect, Improve, Strengthen, & Evolve) with me because healing is a lifelong journey — it’s not always easy, but it’s always worth it. You are loved, cherished, and valued. Don’t ever let anyone ever convince you otherwise.

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The Art of the Steal: How "Fair Compromises" Become Unfair Fast

Skylar Aries — Fri, 11 Apr 2025 21:40:52 GMT

In the fields of mental health and self-help, there is always so much talk about compromise, how everyone has to compromise, and how important it is to compromise in order to make relationships work. At face value, I agree with these sentiments—that is, compromise is often necessary in order to make things work. No one person can always get their way all the time, or else that would be unfair.

What I’d like to address in this article, however, is how often compromises are turned into weapons to be used against us, especially by those who never had any intention of meeting you in the middle in the first place. Through education and knowledge, we can start to set our own healthy boundaries, especially when it comes to unhealthy dynamics.

“Meet me in the middle, says the unjust man. You take a step towards him, he takes a step back. Meet me in the middle, says the unjust man.” ―A.R. Moxon

A Middle School “Meeting in the Middle”

When I was in middle school, I had a friend I’ll refer to as Anthony. He and I had been friends for many years, were in the chess club together (and two of the best players), and had been in most of the same classes since we were much younger. By the time we were in 8th grade and getting ready to graduate to move onto high school, I considered him one of my better friends.

In our history class, we had a final project to do before we graduated—but it was a group project, which made me cringe. I always disliked group projects because I was typically the one who ended up doing the majority of the work for any group I was assigned to. However, to my surprise and delight, I was paired with Anthony for this project. He was smart and hard working, and I figured that, for once, I wouldn’t have to do the vast majority of the work alone.

Planning the Project

Anthony and I sat down and laid out the parts of the project: the introduction, parts 1-3, a conclusion, and then a presentation—y’know, basic middle school projects. I offered to take on part 3, the conclusion, and the presentation if Anthony would take on the introduction along with parts 1 and 2. He suggested that since putting together the presentation was the “easiest part,” I should do parts 2-3, the conclusion, and the presentation. I hesitated as that didn’t exactly seem fair to me, but I ultimately agreed in order to keep the peace and the friendship. It looked like I’d have to do a bit more work than half, but that was still better than doing all of it alone.

I worked diligently on my parts, but in order to put together the conclusion and presentation, I would need Anthony’s contributions as well. As the days and weeks ticked by and the due date approached, I asked him if he’d finished his parts yet. “No,” he told me, “And I don’t intend to. I know that even if I don’t do them, you’re going to do them anyway because you want a good grade.”

I stared at him, mouth agape, unsure what to say. “Y-You’re not going to do anything?” I stuttered, confused. “No,” he confirmed, and before we could talk more about it, he turned on his heel and walked away. I had already compromised in agreeing to do the majority of the project, and yet he still couldn’t up his end of the bargain. I was so upset!

But, to Anthony’s credit, he was right. I did end up doing the entire project by myself, and we both ended up getting an A on it. (This was before teachers began asking for group feedback about who had done what, and since I wasn’t a snitch, I kept my mouth shut.) After that day, however, I didn’t consider Anthony a friend anymore, and I never spoke to him again.

What’s the Lesson?

You might now be thinking that this is a vent post about some long-held grudge against an 8th grader. Let me first assure you that I am no longer upset with Anthony; in fact, with the benefit of hindsight, I’m guessing that he had a lot of issues going on at home that led him to burn a close friendship he’d had for years. Secondly, in the huge scope of things, me having to do a whole group project alone wasn’t the end of the world.

Where this lesson on compromises (or perhaps lack thereof) comes into play though is through our own adult relationships with friends, family, coworkers, and romantic partners. I’m sure you can think of at least a few times in your life where you’ve gone out of your way to make compromises with people, only to have them renege on them, or alter the terms of the agreement after the agreed-upon work has already been done.

The Chore Wars

We see this play out when it comes to domestic chores and the mental load all the time. One partner is the one keeping the trains running on time (the manager) and doesn’t want to have to constantly beg the other partner (the passenger) to contribute. When it’s brought up, the passenger shoots back, “I’d do the chores if you’d just tell me what to do!”

However, having to tell someone what basic household tasks to do constitutes work in and of itself. (There’s a reason managers earn a salary in businesses: it takes work to manage things.) Reluctantly, the manager agrees to start telling the passenger what chores need to be done, but soon enough, the passenger starts slacking again even with the verbal reminders.

Frustrated, the manager asks the passenger why the chores still aren’t getting done. “I’d do the chores if you’d just make me a list!” the passenger quips back. Reluctantly, the manager again agrees to do more work, creating and handing over a written list of chores for the passenger to do—which either get done poorly or don’t get done at all.

Frustrated and angry, the manager demands to know why the passenger still isn’t holding up their end of the bargain. “I didn’t know how to do half the chores on this list, so you need to teach me how to do them!” the passenger cries.

Do you see where I’m going with this? The manager has already compromised multiple times, agreeing to take on more and more of the mental load, and yet still the passenger refuses to contribute in any meaningful way. This situation can be and often is replicated in any number of relationships: romantic, platonic, or professional. Regardless of the relationship, it’s not a compromise if only one person is doing the compromising.

Finding Balance in True Compromises

As we've seen through both the middle school project scenario and the chore wars example, what masquerades as “compromise” can often be manipulation. True compromise requires all parties to give something up and meet somewhere in the middle—not one person continuously giving while the other takes and takes and takes.

Healthy relationships (romantic, familial, professional, or friendly) thrive on mutual respect and balanced give-and-take. When you notice yourself consistently being the one to bend, it may be time to have an honest conversation about expectations or, in some cases, to reevaluate the relationship entirely.

10 Reflection Questions: Is this a True Compromise?

Learning to recognize when you’re the only one making concessions is the first step toward establishing healthier boundaries for yourself. Here are 10 questions you can ask yourself if you’re unsure:

Is this truly a compromise, or am I the only one adjusting my expectations and behavior?
Am I being asked to compromise on the compromise itself (ie. is there always “just this one more thing” being added on)?
Are my accommodations being met with reciprocal effort, or am I being pushed to give more and more?
When I express concerns about the arrangement, are they genuinely addressed or summarily dismissed?
Is the other person willing to acknowledge and appreciate the concessions I make?
If our roles were reversed, would the other person be willing to make the same concessions I'm making?
Am I agreeing to this compromise out of fear, guilt, or obligation rather than genuine willingness?
Do I feel comfortable expressing what I need in this situation, or am I afraid of the consequences?
Am I consistently the one who gives in first, or is there a balanced pattern of give-and-take?
Would I advise a friend to accept the same arrangement I'm considering?

The Uncompromising Truth About Compromise

Remember that setting boundaries isn't selfish; it’s necessary for your well-being. Sometimes the most powerful thing you can do is refuse to participate in a one-sided “compromise” that only serves to deplete your energy and goodwill. Real compromise should leave both parties feeling respected, heard, and valued rather than resentful or taken advantage of.

By understanding the difference between true compromise and manipulation, we can build stronger, more equitable relationships based on mutual respect rather than exploitation. After all, meeting in the middle only works when both people are genuinely walking toward each other.

Thanks for Reading!

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A Different Perspective on Kintsugi

Skylar Aries — Wed, 12 Mar 2025 19:00:00 GMT

Assuming you’re reading this, you’re probably no stranger to the idea of kintsugi—the Japanese art of repairing broken ceramics with gold, making them more beautiful in the process—and how so many articles on mental health or self-help use it as an illustration to show that what was once broken can be mended.

Do not misunderstand me; the underlying message in such articles is helpful, especially for those who have struggled with trauma, loss, and/or hardship throughout their lives. There is something undeniably beautiful about kintsugi ceramics, and I agree that the gold and lacquer repairs often enhance the original piece.

Along a similar vein, those who have gone through significant struggles are often enhanced by them, growing into more understanding, empathetic, and resilient people. The parallels are unmistakable, and the metaphor of kintsugi brings many traumatized people solace and tranquility.

I am not here to discredit those people or ideas. Instead, I wish to offer another, perhaps unconsidered look, especially when it comes to those who are in ongoing difficult or toxic relationships.

Another Perspective: A Troubled Relationship

Imagine yourself in a relationship with someone you care deeply about—in this case, a close friend named Mary. You two grew up together, shared many wonderful memories and experiences, and have supported one another through many tough situations. You can’t imagine your life without her!

However, Mary starts becoming more and more unreliable as time goes on. While you’re always there to listen and support her, she never seems to have the time for you. In fact, she’s started flaking on meetups without communicating beforehand, leaving you sitting alone at restaurants and wasting time waiting on her.

An Attempt to Mend

Like any mature person, you reach out to Mary and ask if something is wrong, or if something has changed. Perhaps you’ve done or said something that upset her? At first, she claims that nothing is wrong and that nothing has changed, but after pressing her a bit more, she finally admits that she has had other, more pressing priorities in her life and has been neglecting you and taking your friendship for granted.

Saddened and hurt by this admission from Mary, you express to her your feelings, pouring your heart out and struggling to hold back tears. Ostensibly realizing the profound impact her actions have had on you, she immediately apologizes and promises to change her behavior to prove that you do indeed matter to her.

And, to her credit, she does! Mary again makes time for you, reaches out to you, offers support, and even plans a weekend getaway for the two of you where you have a wonderful time talking and reminiscing about the “good ol’ days” when you were younger. By the end of the weekend, your friendship is stronger than ever, despite the cracks that had formed by some months of neglect. You might even say the relationship was repaired with gold.

Relapse and Repeat

However, not so long after your fun-filled weekend, Mary again starts putting you on the back burner. You try to reach out to her when your beloved pet dies, but she doesn’t respond for some time. You soon become worried, thinking that something might’ve happened to her, but when you reach out and express your concern, she snaps back at you, texting you back quickly and tersely, telling you that you “aren’t always her top priority.”

As you look down at your phone, confused, you aren’t sure what to think. Why is she acting like this again? Not so long ago, you had your heart-to-heart talk, and she is once again being neglectful and dismissive. What is going on? You don’t respond, mostly because you aren’t sure how to.

More Empty Apologies

A day later, Mary reaches back out to you, profusely apologizing for her outburst, saying that she “knows it hurt you” and that she “didn’t mean it.” You see, she’s just been so overwhelmed with work and her new boyfriend that she forgot to check in on you, but she “really meant to.” She wants to “make it up to you” by treating you to a spa weekend! Because you miss your best friend’s connection and closeness, you agree, and by the end of the weekend, you’re thick as thieves again! All is well, and you feel closer than ever! The relationship is once more repaired with gold.

And again, things go well for a while… until they don’t. Once again, Mary stops responding and then proceeds to lash out at you when you reach out to repair the connection you once had—before, of course, profusely apologizing and swearing it won’t happen again.

Reflections

Do you believe Mary? How many times would you forgive her before finally cutting her off? I think most of us reading this would agree that after the second or third time, we’d probably move on from the relationship.

Pulling this anecdote back to the topic of this article, imagine you have a ceramic vase that’s been broken and repaired in the kintsugi fashion. Being broken once or twice is probably fixable, but what about more than that? Imagine someone keeps smashing your vase again and again and again. At what point is it irreparable?

And yet, so many of us reading this have been in similar situations with friends, family, and even romantic partners. We admit that Mary’s behavior is toxic, and yet we’re unwilling to admit when our loved one’s behavior is. We are willing to acknowledge that a broken vase can only be repaired a finite number of times, and yet we keep handing it back to the person who has smashed it.

Knowing When to Give Up the Gold

Perhaps what we need isn't another metaphor about being broken and beautifully repaired, but rather the wisdom and discernment to recognize when a relationship has been shattered beyond restoration. The value of kintsugi lies not just in the golden repairs, but also in the extreme care taken to preserve something truly worth saving.

There comes a point when continuing to repair what keeps breaking becomes not resilience, but self-harm. Thus, the most profound act of self-care might not be in gathering the gold to mend again, but in acknowledging that some breaks are final—and that's okay. In these moments, our growth comes not from making something beautiful from brokenness, but from having the courage to let go and create something new.

Thanks for Reading!

Thanks for taking time out of your busy day to spend some time with me! I encourage all of my readers to RISE (Reflect, Improve, Strengthen, & Evolve) with me because healing is a lifelong journey—it’s not always easy, but it’s always worth it. You are loved, cherished, and valued. Don’t ever let anyone ever convince you otherwise.

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