Weaponized Confusion: When "Not Getting It" Serves a Purpose

Why Some People Choose Not to Get It (and How to Tell)

May 29, 2025

Willful ignorance. Weaponized confusion. Strategic misunderstanding. Whatever you want to call it, the fact of the matter is that you can’t explain something to someone who is committed to misunderstanding you. It’s a simple truth, but one that often gets lost in the exhausting effort to clarify, rephrase, and defend ourselves.

Strategic misunderstanding happens when someone pretends not to grasp what you're saying because it benefits them not to. It’s a subtle form of manipulation that keeps conversations stuck, reinforces power imbalances, and protects fragile egos or entrenched biases.

In order to explore this topic more deeply, we need to understand why people intentionally misunderstand us in the first place. There are a number of reasons why it happens, and recognizing these techniques is key to being able to address them when you encounter them in your daily life. This article will cover some of the reasons that people might engage in intentional misunderstanding and discusses how you might respond when you encounter these tactics.

Emotional or Psychological Motives for Intentional Misunderstanding

Not all misunderstanding stems from a lack of information or clarity. Sometimes, it's rooted in emotion and self-preservation. When someone is committed to misunderstanding you, their reasons often go beyond confusion. They may feel threatened, embarrassed, or uncomfortable, and rather than face those emotions, they retreat behind a façade of “not getting it.” While these responses aren’t always conscious or malicious, they are strategic in their own way.

Ego Protection

Accepting your point may require someone admitting they were wrong, uninformed, or insensitive. Many people would rather be intentionally obtuse rather than admit they were in the wrong.

➜ Example: You calmly point out that a coworker’s comment in a meeting came off as dismissive. Instead of reflecting on it, they respond with, “I don’t even know what you’re talking about. I was just joking anyway, so how could that possibly be dismissive?”

This response avoids admitting fault and shifts the burden back to you, making you seem overly sensitive or confused instead of admitting that they were, in fact, being insensitive.

↠ Response Example: “I understand that you meant it as a joke, but the impact still felt dismissive to me. I’m not questioning your intent; I’m just letting you know how it came across. If we can both be open to feedback, it helps everyone feel more respected."

This response addresses your coworker's defensive reaction by acknowledging their stated intent while maintaining focus on the actual impact. It keeps the conversation centered on your experience rather than getting derailed into arguments about whether they "meant it that way." By avoiding escalation and reinforcing your boundary, you create space for mutual respect while refusing to let their ego protection derail the original concern.

Avoiding Cognitive Dissonance

Cognitive dissonance is when your brain feels uncomfortable because you're holding two conflicting ideas at the same time, or when your actions don't match your beliefs. In this way, your perspective may challenge someone’s deeply held beliefs or values that they’re not ready to examine in themselves. In order to avoid confronting the cognitive dissonance, they might pretend to not understand what you’re saying.

➜ Example: You explain to a family member that some commonly accepted parenting techniques are actually harmful to children. Rather than engage with the idea, they say, “That doesn’t make any sense. We all turned out fine, so I don’t see the problem.”

They're not engaging with the topic presented; they’re avoiding the internal discomfort of rethinking how they raised their own kids.

↠ Response Example: "I get that this might be hard to hear because it challenges a lot of what we were taught to believe. I’m not saying everything was wrong or done with bad intentions. I’m just saying we now understand things differently, and it’s worth thinking about how we can do better going forward."

This response recognizes the emotional difficulty of confronting long-held beliefs without retreating from your original point. By emphasizing learning and growth rather than blame, you reduce their defensiveness and reframe the conversation as moving forward together rather than relitigating the past. The approach acknowledges their discomfort while gently leaving space for self-reflection, even if they're not prepared to engage with it immediately.

Feeling Superior

Misunderstanding you can be a way to paint you as irrational, emotional, "being too sensitive," or "not making sense." When someone deliberately misinterprets your clear communication, they can then point to their confusion as evidence that you're the one with the problem, or that you're overreacting, being unclear, or simply difficult to work with. This flips the script entirely, transforming their refusal to engage honestly into your apparent inability to communicate effectively.

➜ Example: You bring up how a particular social dynamic excludes certain people. Someone replies with, “You always read too much into things. No one else has a problem with it!”

This paints you as overly analytical or dramatic, allowing them to feel more grounded or “normal” by comparison.

↠ Response Example: "I know this might not seem like a big deal to you, but it has a real impact on people like me. Just because others haven’t said anything doesn’t mean it’s not a problem; it might just mean they don’t feel safe speaking up. I’m sharing this because it matters—not because I’m trying to make a fuss."

This response validates your own perspective without becoming defensive or escalating the conflict. It addresses a key blind spot: silence from others doesn't necessarily indicate agreement or absence of a problem, but may reflect people's reluctance to speak up in difficult situations. By redirecting attention from your supposed "oversensitivity" back to the substantive issue, you demonstrate emotional clarity and maintain your dignity while countering their attempt to frame you as irrational.

Controlling the Narrative

If someone controls how your words are interpreted, they control the conversation. They may intentionally misinterpret your clear message in order to push the narrative that suits them best.

➜ Example: You say, “I feel ignored when you talk over me,” and the other person responds with, “So now you're calling me of being abusive? That's ridiculous!”

By exaggerating and/or twisting your words, they frame the conversation around your supposed irrationality instead of the real issue: your boundaries being crossed.

↠ Response Example: "That’s not what I said. I’m not calling you abusive. I’m telling you how it feels when I’m spoken over. I want to have a respectful conversation, and that starts with both of us being willing to listen to each other without jumping to extremes."

This response brings the conversation back to your actual words rather than their distorted version. It calmly dismisses their false accusation without becoming defensive or retaliating in kind. By establishing a clear boundary around respectful dialogue, you signal that manipulative tactics won't derail the discussion. The response also demonstrates the exact type of communication you're requesting—direct, clear, and measured—showing them what constructive engagement looks like rather than just demanding it.

Social or Relational Motives for Intentional Misunderstanding

In both personal and professional contexts, people may claim confusion not out of a lack of comprehension, but as a way to maintain control, sidestep accountability, or manipulate how they are perceived by others. These moments—often dismissed as harmless miscommunications—can instead reveal deeper patterns of avoidance and power maintenance that derail meaningful dialogue and erode trust.

Maintaining Power

Especially in hierarchical relationships, “not understanding” can subtly reinforce control, and pretending to be confused can quickly derail a conversation and put the other person on the defensive. When someone keeps asking for explanations of things that have already been made clear, it drains your energy and keeps the discussion stuck in place instead of moving forward.

➜ Example: In a workplace setting, you raise a valid concern about an unfair policy. Your manager responds with, “I’m not sure what you mean by ‘unfair.’ Can you explain it again in simpler terms?”

This feigned confusion reinforces their authority by putting you in a position where you have to justify yourself repeatedly while they maintain control over the conversation.

↠ Response Example: "I’m happy to clarify if something is genuinely unclear, but I’ve already explained the concern and would like us to focus on finding a solution now. The issue isn’t about the wording; it’s about how the policy affects people."

This response acknowledges the possibility of genuine confusion without allowing it to hijack the entire conversation. It reinforces that your original point was clear and pushes back against the need for endless justification. By shifting focus from explanation to action, you break the cycle of energy-draining clarification requests and move toward productive problem-solving. The approach also respectfully challenges the underlying power dynamic by maintaining your ground and refusing to let the conversation stall indefinitely on supposed misunderstandings.

Avoiding Accountability

Strategic misunderstanding provides an elegant escape route from responsibility. When confronted with the impact of their actions, someone can claim they "had no idea" or "didn't realize" the effect they were having. This feigned ignorance allows them to maintain their self-image as a good person while avoiding the discomfort of acknowledging harm caused—or the work required to address it.

➜ Example: You confront a roommate about never doing their share of the chores. They say, “Wait, I didn’t know we were supposed to take turns! I thought it was just whoever noticed something first.”

Notice how the roommate sidesteps responsibility by pretending the expectations were unclear, even though they were previously discussed.

↠ Response Example: "We’ve talked about this before, so I know the expectations were clear. I’m not trying to assign blame. I just need us both to follow through on what we agreed so the responsibility feels shared."

This response directly addresses the pattern of feigned ignorance without escalating into confrontation. It clearly establishes that the expectations were previously communicated, which undermines their claim of confusion. By framing the issue around shared responsibility rather than personal failings, you maintain a cooperative tone that makes it difficult for them to continue using the "I didn't know" defense. The approach focuses on moving forward with agreed-upon arrangements rather than getting stuck relitigating what was already established.

Gaining Social Leverage

Someone may twist your words to rally others against you, or to position themselves as the more "reasonable" one. They may take a snippet of what you said out of context, intentionally misunderstanding your true meaning in order to paint you as the problem.

➜ Example: You privately express discomfort to someone about how they joke about race. Later, you hear they told others, “I can’t even joke around anymore because [your name] accused me of being racist!”

They misrepresent your concern to paint themselves as the victim and you as hypersensitive, reinforcing their image as the "reasonable one."

↠ Response Example: "That’s not what I said, and it’s not fair to misrepresent a private conversation. I brought up something that made me uncomfortable because I trusted we could talk about it honestly. Turning that into a public complaint changes the context and puts words in my mouth."

This response directly confronts the misrepresentation without resorting to name-calling or escalation. It highlights the breach of trust involved in distorting a private conversation and calls attention to how context was deliberately altered. By refocusing on your original concern rather than their attempt to reframe you as the problem, you reclaim control of the narrative. The approach demonstrates awareness of their manipulative tactic while maintaining your dignity and avoiding the drama they're trying to create.

Preserving Comfort

Your message might introduce discomfort or conflict someone doesn’t want to engage with, and they might choose to preserve their own comfort over addressing your concerns.

➜ Example: At your birthday dinner, you mention that certain traditions (like blowing out birthday candles or having everyone sing “Happy Birthday”) can be overwhelming to some people, including yourself. Your mother says, “You need to get over it and stop complaining.”

Here, your mother chooses her own comfort over addressing the substance of your point, effectively shutting it down. Rather than engaging with your actual communication about sensory overwhelm, she reframes it as complaining, allowing her to avoid confronting the possibility that some family traditions might need adjustment.

↠ Response Example: "I’m not trying to ruin anything; I’m just sharing how certain things affect me. It might seem small to you, but it makes a big difference for me. I’m asking for a bit of understanding."

This response brings the focus back to your experience without making it sound like a demand or ultimatum. It acknowledges that what feels small to her has real impact on you, while clarifying that your intention isn't to complain but to advocate for your needs. By gently inviting empathy rather than demanding it, you create space for understanding without escalating the conflict or forcing her into a defensive position.

Preserving Plausible Deniability

Perhaps most cynically, strategic misunderstanding allows people to maintain their reputation as well-intentioned while continuing behaviors that serve their interests at others' expense. They can point to their confusion as evidence of their good faith engagement, even as their actions consistently work against the needs and rights of others. This creates a protective narrative where they're not the villain of the story; they're simply someone who just "doesn't quite get it," despite their best efforts (hold the eye rolls, please).

➜ Example: You explain to a colleague that consistently scheduling meetings during lunch breaks makes it harder for people with certain schedules to participate. They respond with, “Oh, I didn’t realize that was such a big deal. I just thought lunchtime was convenient for everyone.” However, they continue scheduling meetings during lunch over and over again. When confronted later, they say, “I didn’t mean to cause any problems…I’m just trying to make things work for the team!”

This pattern lets them maintain the appearance of being reasonable and unaware, while still prioritizing their own convenience at others' expense. Their repeated “confusion” becomes a shield against accountability.

↠ Response Example: "I understand if you didn’t realize the first time, but I’ve mentioned this more than once now. At this point, it’s less about misunderstanding and more about whether the concern is being taken seriously. I’m asking that we find a time that works better for everyone moving forward."

This response acknowledges that initial confusion might have been genuine without excusing the continued pattern of behavior. It draws a clear distinction between misunderstanding and disregard, naming the pattern without getting bogged down in debates about intent. By shifting focus toward finding solutions that work for everyone, you move past their deflection tactics while maintaining a calm but firm tone that reinforces your boundary and makes it harder for them to continue using confusion as a shield.

Conflict Avoidance or Deflection Motives for Intentional Misunderstanding

When conversations edge into discomfort or challenge the status quo, some people deploy strategic confusion not to engage, but to avoid. Feigned misunderstanding can function as a tool to delay, derail, or entirely shut down difficult discussions. Whether by claiming they don’t understand, shifting focus to someone’s tone, or asking to “talk later,” these tactics create barriers to resolution and understanding. Rather than promoting clarity or connection, they serve to deflect accountability and preserve emotional comfort—often at the cost of progress and mutual respect.

Derailing or Delaying a Difficult Conversation

Intentional misunderstanding can be a stalling tactic in order to either derail or delay difficult conversations.

➜ Example: You try to talk to a partner about how certain behaviors are hurtful. They respond, “I don’t really get what you’re trying to say. Can we talk about it another time?”

Even if “another time” never comes, the delay tactic gives them an escape route from the discomfort of confrontation.

↠ Response Example: "I understand this might be uncomfortable to talk about, but it’s important to me, and I’d really appreciate if we could address it now rather than putting it off again. Avoiding it doesn’t make the issue go away; it just makes it harder to work through."

This response acknowledges the discomfort of difficult conversations while emphasizing their importance and urgency. It gently calls out the pattern of delay without sounding accusatory, and keeps the focus on actually resolving the issue rather than allowing it to be continuously postponed. By setting a firm but respectful boundary around avoidance, you address a common dynamic in relationships where important conversations get indefinitely sidestepped, making it clear that postponement isn't a solution.

Shutting Down the Topic Entirely

Sometimes, “I don’t get what you’re saying” is a wall instead of a door. If someone pretends not to comprehend the point you’re trying to make, it can be almost impossible to engage with them about the topic.

➜ Example: You say, “I feel dismissed when my ideas are ignored in meetings,” and a coworker replies with, “Honestly, I don’t understand what you’re talking about at all.”

By feigning complete confusion, they effectively cut off the conversation. There’s nowhere to go from “I don’t get it,” no matter how clear you were.

↠ Response Example: "It sounds like you're having trouble understanding, but I’ve tried to be as clear as I can. If you're genuinely open to hearing me, I’m willing to explain once more—but only if it’s coming from a place of wanting to understand and not just to shut the conversation down."

This response offers your coworker an opportunity to genuinely re-engage while making it clear that their shutdown tactic hasn't gone unnoticed—that is, you're willing to make one more attempt at explanation, but only if they're approaching it with authentic intent to understand rather than simply trying to end the conversation. By establishing a boundary around your time and energy, you avoid the trap of endless repetition while shifting the responsibility for meaningful engagement back to them. The tone remains assertive but respectful, which helps prevent defensiveness while directly addressing the problematic dynamic.

Redirecting Focus

In order to avoid deflect or avoid potential conflict, someone may steer the discussion toward your “tone,” “word choice,” or “attitude” in order to avoid the actual meaning of your words. In fact, you often didn’t use any harsh tone, words, or have an attitude—and yet they still accuse you of being rude. It’s absolutely exhausting!

➜ Example: You calmly bring up a recurring issue in your friendship. Instead of addressing it, your friend says, “Wow, you’re being really aggressive right now. I don’t like your tone.”

Now, the focus is on your delivery rather than your message, derailing the discussion and putting you on the defensive. You find yourself having to defend yourself instead of being able to address the substance of your message.

↠ Response Example: "I hear that my tone didn’t land well for you, and I’m open to talking about that—but I also want to make sure we don’t lose sight of the issue I brought up. Can we focus on that first, and then circle back to how it was communicated if we need to?"

This response acknowledges their reaction to your tone without allowing it to completely derail the original conversation. It effectively brings the focus back to the substantive issue while setting a respectful boundary that tone concerns can be addressed separately rather than used to avoid the main topic entirely. By preventing the shift from meaningful discussion to self-defense, you create space for more productive dialogue that actually addresses what you originally brought up rather than getting stuck defending how you said it.

Spoiler Alert: They’re Not Really Confused (and That’s the Problem)

Not every misunderstanding comes from a lack of communication skills or genuine confusion. Sometimes, it’s strategic—used to deflect accountability, preserve comfort, or maintain control. Recognizing when someone is committed to misunderstanding you is not about assuming bad intentions in every interaction, but rather about noticing patterns: are there constant and repeated deflections, feigned confusion, and conversations that never seem to go anywhere (no matter how clearly or calmly you speak)?

Once you see the patterns, you can stop over-explaining yourself, quit questioning your clarity, and start protecting your energy. You don’t owe unlimited explanations to someone who’s unwilling to engage in good faith. Understanding is a two-way street, and some people refuse to even walk to the curb. Knowing this doesn’t make it easier, but it does help you navigate interactions more wisely, choose your battles more deliberately, and redirect your efforts toward people who are actually listening.

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